You know what I'm talking about. How many times have you seen (guys) a girl that you're cool with sticking by a complete loser? How many guys (girls) have you stuck by knowing damn well you should not have, even at the time?
Ahh, that perceived need to nurture. Cycle as follows:
1. Girl (good) meets boy. Probably bad boy, plays-by-his-own-rules type. Girl likey.
2. Girl and boy hook up/get together/whatever you want to call it.
3. Girl has fun with boy. Boy completely carefree, basically just trying to get some tail.
4. Girl realizey that boy deal drugs/dropped out of school/spends all of his cash on his car/etc. (NOTE: not judging anyone, but hear me out...)
5. Boy has no intention to change (and that's cool, do you)...BUT...girl see "flaws" in boy that SHE must take responsibility for.
6. Girl encourage boy to finish school/find a real job/start saving money/etc.
7. Boy out of money, starts to stay over at girl's place/eat girl's food/etc.
8. Girl sees more flaws that SHE must take responsibility for.
9. Boy gives lip service to going back to school/finding a job/saving money/etc.
10. Boy has no discipline to do/intention of doing said things.
11. Girl continue to offer apartment/food/attention/sex.
12. Girl continue to see flaws that SHE must take responsibility for.
13. Boy still no go to school/no find real job/no tiene dinero.
14. Girl continue to see flaws that SHE must take responsibility for. Turns up effort.
15. Boy still no go to school/no find real job/no tiene dinero.
16. Girl fucked by this point.
17. Boy still no go to school/no find real job/no tiene dinero.
18. Girl's friends tell girl that she should move on, boy no good for her.
19. Girl stick up for boy, makes excuses for boy and says "intentions" are good.
20. Boy still no go to school/no find real job/no tiene dinero.
21. (Boy very comfortable in this situation)
22. Girl start to think that maybe she should move on.
23. Girl feel sorry for boy by this point though, feels bad about leaving him.
24. Girl continue to see flaws that SHE must take responsibility for.
25. Girl feel trapped.
26. Girl already invested so much effort, completely emotionally invested by this point.
27. Girl grow dependent on guy that was originally dependent on her.
28. Problem: Guy have nothing to offer girl.
29. Girl think he will still change, wants to see return on her investment.
30. Boy still no go to school/no find real job/no tiene dinero.
31. Girl and boy have good sex.
32. Girl and boy talk, boy pay lip service to going back to school/finding job/etc.
33. Boy still no go to school/no find real job/no tiene dinero.
34. (You get the cycle by now...)
See it all the time. And it never seems to work out in the end, but I guess it's just something that a lot of girls must go through and learn for themselves. At the end the day, a relationship will NEVER work if it is fostered (from the beginning) on dependency, unless it's completely mutual. The minute your justification for being with/staying with someone is that you feel sorry for them, you should not be in a relationship with them. It won't last. Both people have to have something besides sex or money to offer the other.
Giving is natural, and I've heard girls tell me that they don't care about getting anything back. They just want to give of themselves. But that isn't reality, because then they'll never get the emotional/spiritual/mental growth that is fostered by the other person in a mature relationship, over the LONG term.
Think about it...
Friday, September 29, 2006
Lyrrrric of the Day, because I like to do this. The Roots: "Clock With No Hands"...
[Verse 2]
I'm like Malcolm, out the window with the weapon out
Searching for somehow to find a minute or a second now
Precious time is money, that I ain't got to mess about
Need it from the horse's mouth or from my eyewitness account.
Lessons with my back to the wall, scoping my session out
Stay a little edgy at times when I ain't stressing bout
Haters don't know shit about me, they're the ones that talk shit
Those that love me set that out, so I ain't got to force quit
'Cause I'm doing better now don't mean I never lost shit
I was married to a state of mind and I divorced it, man
I'm from where brothers moving product from the porches
People locking their doors, clutching to their crosses
The block hot by the law, there ain't too many choices
So what I do is for y'all, there ain't too many voices left
I watch my back, and watch my step
And I might forgive, but I will not forget
[Hook]
People think that I'm crazy, just cause I wanna be alone
You can't depend on friends to help you in a squeeze
We all deal with shit on our own
Sometimes the beef can grow and get out of hand
Yeah, you know it gets full blown
I never said that you mean the world to me
Maybe it's best that you never know
[Verse 3]
Living in turbulent times
The blind leading the blind
Some call it evolution, some say intelligent design
You say you want a revolution, you out of your mizind
Your son's destitute, with his Pops all in the prison
My man's back in a jam, he's like the back of my hand
He's just attracted to scam, he's right back in the can
I'm never sleepwalking, you dig
You get your shuteye
I'm on the first thing in, I'm leaving on the red-eye
My brother's back in rehab, just had another relapse
But in himself it's like he's been fighting his inner jihad
Half telling me nobody's true when they pretend to be that
So closer than friends, that's where I keep my enemies at
To many parties concerned, it's time to live it and learn
Until we're able to grow, forever bridges we'll burn
My thoughts free as a bird, that's just about to emerge
And every action is heard, it speaks louder than words...
I'm like Malcolm, out the window with the weapon out
Searching for somehow to find a minute or a second now
Precious time is money, that I ain't got to mess about
Need it from the horse's mouth or from my eyewitness account.
Lessons with my back to the wall, scoping my session out
Stay a little edgy at times when I ain't stressing bout
Haters don't know shit about me, they're the ones that talk shit
Those that love me set that out, so I ain't got to force quit
'Cause I'm doing better now don't mean I never lost shit
I was married to a state of mind and I divorced it, man
I'm from where brothers moving product from the porches
People locking their doors, clutching to their crosses
The block hot by the law, there ain't too many choices
So what I do is for y'all, there ain't too many voices left
I watch my back, and watch my step
And I might forgive, but I will not forget
[Hook]
People think that I'm crazy, just cause I wanna be alone
You can't depend on friends to help you in a squeeze
We all deal with shit on our own
Sometimes the beef can grow and get out of hand
Yeah, you know it gets full blown
I never said that you mean the world to me
Maybe it's best that you never know
[Verse 3]
Living in turbulent times
The blind leading the blind
Some call it evolution, some say intelligent design
You say you want a revolution, you out of your mizind
Your son's destitute, with his Pops all in the prison
My man's back in a jam, he's like the back of my hand
He's just attracted to scam, he's right back in the can
I'm never sleepwalking, you dig
You get your shuteye
I'm on the first thing in, I'm leaving on the red-eye
My brother's back in rehab, just had another relapse
But in himself it's like he's been fighting his inner jihad
Half telling me nobody's true when they pretend to be that
So closer than friends, that's where I keep my enemies at
To many parties concerned, it's time to live it and learn
Until we're able to grow, forever bridges we'll burn
My thoughts free as a bird, that's just about to emerge
And every action is heard, it speaks louder than words...
Perception.
Life is not that serious, yo! I feel like these people in NYC are all so hardened, rough to the world. It's,umm...interesting.
But for real, have you ever noticed how some people just seem to have that glow about them, always seeming happy, upbeat, together, etc...while others don't? I think people lose sight of the fact that those glowing people, they have the same issues and insecurities that everyone else has. They just know how to mask it, or just learn to accept it, put it aside, and look forward. It's really up to you what kind of person you want to be. Or come across as.
But for real, have you ever noticed how some people just seem to have that glow about them, always seeming happy, upbeat, together, etc...while others don't? I think people lose sight of the fact that those glowing people, they have the same issues and insecurities that everyone else has. They just know how to mask it, or just learn to accept it, put it aside, and look forward. It's really up to you what kind of person you want to be. Or come across as.
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Moment of Clarity.
This past couple of weeks has been interesting. Basically, I've been struggling with a question that now appears to have a simple solution.
Q1: If what you thought you wanted is not all that you thought it would be, would you have the courage to do something about it?
Q1a: Would you really care about what other people thought in making that decision?
I don't know why this wasn't quite clear a month ago, but it seems so simple now. Not that I've ever much cared how my actions were viewed by others as long as I could look myself in the mirror, but for some reason, the first part of that question had me at a loss. We probably all do that though...make decisions not necessarily forward-looking, but under the vast influence of events/experiences leading up to it. But just like in finance, how previous expenditures are a sunk cost that shouldn't impact your profitability decisions looking forward, it seems unnatural to look at our life decisions that way, even though we know it's logical.
Back in April or May, I jumped at this opportunity to move to NYC and work for this great airline, thinking it would open all sorts of doors to the world. Now I'm not even 3 months into the job, and it seems my values have changed, or I'm just learning myself better. In the past 30 days, I've been to Boston, Chicago, Singapore, Los Angeles and San Francisco--all for business. I would have thought that was the life a few months ago, but damn, that's NO life! How are you supposed to have real friendships moving around at that pace? After awhile, it's hard to even appreciate these experiences on your own. In my case, it told me everything I need to know when I came back into the office this week and they asked me to go to Singapore again in 2 weeks. Keep in mind, the thought of international travel is exactly why I wanted to work in this industry, and here I am, the second time they're asking me to go, and I don't even want to! I'm dreading it as a matter of fact, flying right over my birthday to go somewhere 9,535 miles from just about everybody I care about. Nah, that's not much of a life. Experience, yes. Life, no.
Q1: If what you thought you wanted is not all that you thought it would be, would you have the courage to do something about it?
Q1a: Would you really care about what other people thought in making that decision?
I don't know why this wasn't quite clear a month ago, but it seems so simple now. Not that I've ever much cared how my actions were viewed by others as long as I could look myself in the mirror, but for some reason, the first part of that question had me at a loss. We probably all do that though...make decisions not necessarily forward-looking, but under the vast influence of events/experiences leading up to it. But just like in finance, how previous expenditures are a sunk cost that shouldn't impact your profitability decisions looking forward, it seems unnatural to look at our life decisions that way, even though we know it's logical.
Back in April or May, I jumped at this opportunity to move to NYC and work for this great airline, thinking it would open all sorts of doors to the world. Now I'm not even 3 months into the job, and it seems my values have changed, or I'm just learning myself better. In the past 30 days, I've been to Boston, Chicago, Singapore, Los Angeles and San Francisco--all for business. I would have thought that was the life a few months ago, but damn, that's NO life! How are you supposed to have real friendships moving around at that pace? After awhile, it's hard to even appreciate these experiences on your own. In my case, it told me everything I need to know when I came back into the office this week and they asked me to go to Singapore again in 2 weeks. Keep in mind, the thought of international travel is exactly why I wanted to work in this industry, and here I am, the second time they're asking me to go, and I don't even want to! I'm dreading it as a matter of fact, flying right over my birthday to go somewhere 9,535 miles from just about everybody I care about. Nah, that's not much of a life. Experience, yes. Life, no.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
LA LA, Big City of Dreams
(current locale: Marriott Residence Inn Beverley Hills (CA), Room 424)
(current background noise: air conditioner)
Okay, so that last question from the last post. Not like this is rocket science, but I like the happy resolution: You give the car to your best friend, he drives the old woman to the hospital, and you walk off in the rain with your girl. Since she's your girl, it doesn't matter the setting, weather, whatever as long as you have each other. Is that REALLY true?
I have to admit, I've been somewhat sheltered growing up in VA. Not like I haven't seen this or that, but for'real hardened violence/suffering/death...I've been fortunate enough to avoid that. Maybe that's why it caught me off guard the other day when my boy and I pulled up to a stoplight in Fairfax County, and a high speed chase damn near hit us! We had driven right by this cop about 1 minute prior, and the next thing I know as I'm pulling up to the light, I see a cop car swerve up on the grass and come back on the road cutting this guy off in the lane next to us. Then two cops rush out of the car and storm up to this car with two hispanic dudes, both pulling loaded 9mm's to the temples. It was crazy. I've never seen a gun to someone's head before, and I have to say, it's not that comfortable. And as the light turns green, the pickup truck in front of us has the NERVE to STAY stopped to watch!! Meanwhile I'm trying to get the hell out of there before I have six bullet holes in my window and see a trail of blood spilling out on the street. WTF is this guy in front of me thinking?!? I guess people really do think that things can't happen to them, but all I know is that if I see guns drawn and grown-ass men screaming and it's not directed at somebody I'm associated with, I'm gettin' the hell outta dodge. I read too many of these reports about stray bullets in NYC...
So that of course has me shook up a little bit, doing some thinking about what's important in life, which perfectly coincides with the question I've been struggling with for a few days...how harmonious should/can the relationship between CAREER interests and PERSONAL interests be?
I was "advised" a long time ago to choose a job over a location. I can see that argument, but now that I'm a little more able to think for myself based on my experience, I'd have to disagree. I do believe there are opportunities that may come along that we just shouldn't pass up, but even so I think that's a decision that only the person involved can make. I'm starting to think that being in a place you're happy, around people you care about and who care about you, is far more important than having an interesting job. I guess everyone views this differently, but I don't think a career is going to make you happy at the end of the day. You can't laugh and watch the game with a career. Nor can you cuddle up with a career and kiss it goodnight. I already know the answer to that question for me, and I'm pretty comfortable with saying that I'd rather have a mundane 9-to-5 and a great personal life than the greatest job in the world and a destroyed personal life. Of course ideally you wouldn't have to choose, and the lucky ones can have both.
This debate has been making my thought process churn lately, as I feel that my job is competing with my life. It's not the work environment or hours or anything like that, or even the travel, which has been strenuous. It's more about just being in NYC, which despite being a GREAT city to visit with unlimited things to do, can be a shitty place to live when you don't have excess cash or at least a few close peeps to share the struggle with, preferably whom you knew before NY. It's like quality of life just doesn't register there. But my job is tight. So....
(current background noise: air conditioner)
Okay, so that last question from the last post. Not like this is rocket science, but I like the happy resolution: You give the car to your best friend, he drives the old woman to the hospital, and you walk off in the rain with your girl. Since she's your girl, it doesn't matter the setting, weather, whatever as long as you have each other. Is that REALLY true?
I have to admit, I've been somewhat sheltered growing up in VA. Not like I haven't seen this or that, but for'real hardened violence/suffering/death...I've been fortunate enough to avoid that. Maybe that's why it caught me off guard the other day when my boy and I pulled up to a stoplight in Fairfax County, and a high speed chase damn near hit us! We had driven right by this cop about 1 minute prior, and the next thing I know as I'm pulling up to the light, I see a cop car swerve up on the grass and come back on the road cutting this guy off in the lane next to us. Then two cops rush out of the car and storm up to this car with two hispanic dudes, both pulling loaded 9mm's to the temples. It was crazy. I've never seen a gun to someone's head before, and I have to say, it's not that comfortable. And as the light turns green, the pickup truck in front of us has the NERVE to STAY stopped to watch!! Meanwhile I'm trying to get the hell out of there before I have six bullet holes in my window and see a trail of blood spilling out on the street. WTF is this guy in front of me thinking?!? I guess people really do think that things can't happen to them, but all I know is that if I see guns drawn and grown-ass men screaming and it's not directed at somebody I'm associated with, I'm gettin' the hell outta dodge. I read too many of these reports about stray bullets in NYC...
So that of course has me shook up a little bit, doing some thinking about what's important in life, which perfectly coincides with the question I've been struggling with for a few days...how harmonious should/can the relationship between CAREER interests and PERSONAL interests be?
I was "advised" a long time ago to choose a job over a location. I can see that argument, but now that I'm a little more able to think for myself based on my experience, I'd have to disagree. I do believe there are opportunities that may come along that we just shouldn't pass up, but even so I think that's a decision that only the person involved can make. I'm starting to think that being in a place you're happy, around people you care about and who care about you, is far more important than having an interesting job. I guess everyone views this differently, but I don't think a career is going to make you happy at the end of the day. You can't laugh and watch the game with a career. Nor can you cuddle up with a career and kiss it goodnight. I already know the answer to that question for me, and I'm pretty comfortable with saying that I'd rather have a mundane 9-to-5 and a great personal life than the greatest job in the world and a destroyed personal life. Of course ideally you wouldn't have to choose, and the lucky ones can have both.
This debate has been making my thought process churn lately, as I feel that my job is competing with my life. It's not the work environment or hours or anything like that, or even the travel, which has been strenuous. It's more about just being in NYC, which despite being a GREAT city to visit with unlimited things to do, can be a shitty place to live when you don't have excess cash or at least a few close peeps to share the struggle with, preferably whom you knew before NY. It's like quality of life just doesn't register there. But my job is tight. So....
Sunday, September 10, 2006
(current location: kitchen of Mom & Pops' house in the big VA)
(current background noise: "The Diary of Alicia Keys")
I want to write, so I'm writing. I've tried to start this blogging thing before, but it hasn't caught on. But how many times do I have to tell myself that I need to just write, and I never do? write. Write!!! WRITE!! It's really not pulling teeth.
Today's battle: Feelings vs. Logic
I don't know all that much about women or about psychology for that matter, but I find this field of gender psychology effin' fascinating. I'm not sure that it's technically a field, but it should be. I'm curious to find out what people think about this, but from my experiences I've seen a heavy inclination of women towards feeling-based decisionmaking, with guys leaning towards logic.
But I just don't understand how life can function making our every decision based on what we feel right NOW. At this particular moment. I mean, it's just reality that shit happens and life isn't peaches every day, right? I feel like sometimes we need to accept the routineness of life and of relationships. Isn't that what stability is? Hmmm...I'm not really sure where I'm going with this, but I'm tired so I want to sleep now. Try to pick up again later.
Before I go, I watched a movie recently, which I'll leave unnamed because it wasn't very good. But, there was one interesting hypothetical question posed, which for some reason I feel like sharing.
Alright, so you're at a bus stop in the pouring rain, and you have a car that will fit just two people. There's you, your best friend, who once saved your life, an old lady who needs to be rushed to a hospital, and your soul mate, who you're seeing for the first time. Who do you take in the car?
Chew on that for a minute.
(current background noise: "The Diary of Alicia Keys")
I want to write, so I'm writing. I've tried to start this blogging thing before, but it hasn't caught on. But how many times do I have to tell myself that I need to just write, and I never do? write. Write!!! WRITE!! It's really not pulling teeth.
Today's battle: Feelings vs. Logic
I don't know all that much about women or about psychology for that matter, but I find this field of gender psychology effin' fascinating. I'm not sure that it's technically a field, but it should be. I'm curious to find out what people think about this, but from my experiences I've seen a heavy inclination of women towards feeling-based decisionmaking, with guys leaning towards logic.
But I just don't understand how life can function making our every decision based on what we feel right NOW. At this particular moment. I mean, it's just reality that shit happens and life isn't peaches every day, right? I feel like sometimes we need to accept the routineness of life and of relationships. Isn't that what stability is? Hmmm...I'm not really sure where I'm going with this, but I'm tired so I want to sleep now. Try to pick up again later.
Before I go, I watched a movie recently, which I'll leave unnamed because it wasn't very good. But, there was one interesting hypothetical question posed, which for some reason I feel like sharing.
Alright, so you're at a bus stop in the pouring rain, and you have a car that will fit just two people. There's you, your best friend, who once saved your life, an old lady who needs to be rushed to a hospital, and your soul mate, who you're seeing for the first time. Who do you take in the car?
Chew on that for a minute.
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